How God Used My Illness as my Cure

August 22, 2014

Sickness is one of the very few things in life that can push you face down into the mud—even when you are already on your knees. I distinctly remember my doctor scribbling something in my patient folder, then gravely lifting her head and giving me a clear diagnosis. I was 23 and optimistic about treatment; 10 months later, I went into remission.

During the recovery process, I learned that enduring any kind of illness is truly a journey. Some ailments may be cured through a regiment of fluids, chicken soup, and aspirin. Others require a more intensive, long-term treatment plan. Unfortunately, I experienced the latter.

The illness spared me no mercy: my body and mind were both diseased. Yet in the midst of my struggle and on the path to recovery, I also discovered my soul and spirit were just as ill. I knew better than to question God about my circumstances, so I didn’t. I simply expected to get better and trusted that God would bring me through the fire. What I did not expect was that the heat of the fire would melt away my spiritual bondage and renew my mind, soul and spirit in a powerful and dramatic way.

How Could Robin Williams Be Depressed?

August 15, 2014

The news of the passing of Robin Williams took the world by surprise. How is it possible for one of the most iconic and brilliant comedians of our childhood to commit suicide? How could someone who brought us so much JOY, have so much hidden PAIN? When the explanation is "he had depression," we sometimes can't help but trivialize it by pointing out irrelevant things like..."But he had it all!", "He was so funny!" or "He was so involved in charity!"

There are realities that the death of Robin Williams will hopefully force us to face.

The Three Phrases of Pope Shenouda

July 11, 2014

Have you ever been so down and frustrated that you knew you were angry, but you weren’t quite sure who you were angry at? Just sort of angry at ‘life’ in general? I know I’ve felt that way before – especially during the time I was admitted to the ICU.

I felt hopeless and tired. I remember how weak I was; how pathetic I felt. I felt frustrated with life and wanted it to end. I didn't know if God was ever going to get me out alive, and at times, I actually didn't want to be alive. I was angry with myself. But more so, I was angry that life had been so harsh on me. I didn't understand why this was happening. All I knew was that this was the 'last straw'. I was breaking down, losing hope, and losing faith.

During that time, my parents would often comfort me and support me with three quotes from the late Pope Shenouda III (1923-2012). I’ll never forget those three statements that my family always said when they came to see me: “'this too will end soon”, “God is here”, and “all is for the good”.

Three short statements, but the power and hope they instilled within me was incredible.

A Lesson on the Worthlessness of Worrying

June 20, 2014

Tests, assignments, deadlines, speeches!! The list goes on and on for a student like me. God knows I try… try to do well, try to please my parents, try to excel in what I’m doing with the hope of one day doing a job that I “love.” Oh and yes, I forgot to mention I try not to worry too! Yes, all these things God knows… but it was one day when He showed me just how much I did NOT know.

I had a speech due for an accounting unit (can I get a BORING up in here?) the first Monday back after the mid-semester break. And – in the true spirit of university life – it wasn’t until the last weekend of the 2 week break that I gave myself a kick in the pants to actually start writing the speech.

Ascension? Where’s the excitement?

June 6, 2014

“I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” (John 14:2-3)

Growing up just like any other child, I used to be over the moon at the thought of Christmas or Easter being around the corner. You could just feel the excitement walking around in the streets.

Those who were lucky enough to come from a blessed family would be thinking of what gifts they were expecting that year. Those who came from a poor background would also count their blessings because they would at least get to enjoy that special holiday meal with their loved ones. Even the homeless had something to celebrate because they would have generous groups of people coming to visit them, usually carrying food.

Excitement filled the air!

What is Faith...Really?

May 30, 2014

"Faith is not belief, faith is behavior born out of belief....to say you believe [have faith] in the Resurrection means to say you acknowledge it mentally and then manifest that faith with action." --Fr. Anthony Messeh

One thought hit me after hearing those words: “Man, I’ve spent my whole life believing in God without ever having faith.”

Those who know me know that I am a pretty emotional person. But when it comes to matters of salvation and spirituality, I have made it more of a “study” and less of a reality. I’ve been a student in Christianity 401 – a student who had all the answers but never showed up for a lab or practicum. I’ve mastered writing the right things when I am called to circle "A, B, C, or D," but I have forgotten to choose the right answers in my day to day life.

I’ve shown up for hundreds of lectures, but never felt I could introduce myself to the Rabbi. I believe that God created the heavens and the earth, that Emmanuel came to show us the way, that He sent forth the Holy Spirit to dwell in us; but in all of my belief, in all of my logic and surety, I think I’ve missed faith.

What Do You See When You Look at a Rainbow?

May 23, 2014

And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.” (Genesis 9:12-16)

I read this promise and I see grace and mercy. I see kindness and love. I see a Maker so desperate to save His creation. When Noah built an altar and sacrificed burnt offerings to the Lord after the flood the Bible says:

"The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done." (Genesis 8:21)

Read that verse again. Close your eyes and see it. Visualize your Maker smelling the pleasing aroma of your prayer… look at the expression on His face as He looks at you full of pride, compassion and love.

Finding Peace

May 16, 2014

Our generation has witnessed numerous events that have, to some extent, made us aware of how much unrest there appears to be around the world. My first experience or realization of this came when I was around seven years old. My family and I heard on the news that a girl my age in another city had been abducted after school. I didn't quite understand what this meant, but my parents kept telling me to never approach or speak with a stranger. Some years later, “September 11” happened and again, I became exposed to the 'evil' in this world. I heard about the wars against weapons, kidnappings, etc.

I remember a time at school when we had to explain what we wished we could have...and it could be anything at all. Although I was only eight years old, I knew what I wanted. I told my class that I wanted WORLD PEACE.

It seems that now more than ever, the world has become filled with numerous dangers. There is so much crime, war, unrest, anger, and sadness around the world. But we don't have to look far - it actually starts within our own lives. I'm not going to focus on the wars around the world - although they are important, too. I prefer to focus on a different kind of peace; that is, the 'peace' that we may get from this world.

First Bitter, Then Sweet

May 2, 2014

“…looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2

One Saturday night, when I was 18, I went to visit some neighbors who recently moved to our area. I was actually going to apologize for a noisy party we were having at a friend's house next door. I thought they might be upset.

But to my surprise, they weren’t. In fact, when they opened the door, I saw a very thin, shy man and his equally thin, shy wife watching from afar. I was expecting them to be upset; but instead they invited me in for coffee!

Immediately I noticed something different about them. The wife brought out a tray from which the husband handed me what looked like a small bowl full of dark coffee. I didn't want to offend, so I hid my confusion and smiled and drank it all at once.

WHOA! I soon learned that the coffee, like my neighbors themselves, was Arabic in origin. Unlike my neighbors though, the coffee was extremely bitter! Very potent!

Soon after however, the wife brought out another tray – this time full of a sweet, rich pastry that our Lebanese neighbors call ‘baklava’. It wasn’t long before the level of honey in that dessert made me completely forget the bitter aftertaste from the coffee.

In the trials of life, in the confusing times, bitterness creeps up on us like a cup of my neighbor's coffee.

On Noah: Aronofsky, God, and Us

April 4, 2014

“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked ‘who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge? Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know…” Job 42:2-3

I BEGIN WITH JOB, as many think this book is the oldest example of a man documenting God’s interaction with humanity through prose and through poetry, but my focus will be on Noah. Specifically, I am concerned with the Biblical account of Noah versus Darren Aronofsky’s recent film.

For me, watching Noah was powerful. Did I have some theological problems with it? Yes. Did the film deviate from Bible? Absolutely. Did I feel like Mr. Aronofsky’s spirit was less than humble or altruistic in producing the film? His own words lead me to say yes. Do I worry that people will see the film directed by a self professed atheist and be misled about the nature of God? A little, but no more than I worry that I may mislead someone through my actions as a self-professed representative of the Kingdom.

Are You Strong and Courageous?

March 28, 2014

Life is tough, isn’t it? Everyday we faced multiple challenges and obstacles and at times it seems like it's more than we can handle.

At these times, we don’t feel strong and we certainly don't feel courageous. We are tired and we want help!

We pray to God, asking for strength. “God! Strengthen me! Either make this problem go away or solve it! Please! I am tired and frustrated…”

The Bible is full of verses that can motivate or strengthen us at these times, such as Joshua 1:9. This verse is God speaking to Joshua when he was feeling a little down as well.

Healing the Paralytic at the Pool of Bethesda

Focus on Ability

March 14, 2014

“Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?” John 5:5-6

Are you familiar with the account of the disabled man, troubled by illness for 38 years? He’s the guy sitting by a pool of water near the Sheep's Gate in Jerusalem – a story written about in John 5.

Now, I was born with a mild brain injury. It’s called Cerebral Palsy and it has affected my mobility, my vision, and some other 'wiring problems' inside me for over 38 years now. So I can relate to this man very well.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that if Jesus had walked up to me and asked, "Do you want to be made well?", as He did with the man in the story, I'd of course reply in my holiest voice, "Umm...I'm sorry...Have we met before??"

Shock. Curiosity. Hope.

Solitude or Loneliness?

February 28, 2014

Whether in a crowd or alone, married or single, young or old – everyone experiences loneliness from time to time. It’s okay to admit it. I mean, who among us hasn’t felt this way before? It sounds so negative (and it feels that way sometimes!), but I am here to say that I believe loneliness is something positive that God uses to knock on our door.

It’s natural for us to want to fill the gap that loneliness creates. The question is, are we filling it with the RIGHT things? We pursue relationships, wealth, fame, busyness, shopping :) , etc. While these may help alleviate the feeling for a while, avoidance is not healthy. Deep down, we know that nothing can fill the void within us permanently, except the One who made us, as the quote above says.

I Owe Jonah An Apology

February 14, 2014

Years ago, I read the Old Testament book of Jonah and decided that I didn’t really like Jonah very much. Whenever I say that out loud, I imagine myself getting to Heaven and running into Jonah as he stands with his hands crossed, head shaking, waiting for an explanation. This week, I got to thinking about what I would say in response. Why am I so quick to discount him?

Every Sunday School teacher will tell you that Jonah’s main struggle - the reason the Ninevites were almost destroyed - is because he was disobedient. Obedience is not my struggle. When God asks me to do difficult things, I do them. Now, never mind that when I do them I am worried, afraid, doubtful, begrudging and searching for every way to justify cutting corners and that those things are just as sinful. But in the end, I obey. And Jonah didn't.

And that makes it easy for me to look down on Jonah; because his sin is different than mine.

The Power of Prayer

February 7, 2014

One day I was sitting on my recliner in the living room and as I was looking outside at the backyard, I fell asleep. While sleeping, I had this vision:

I saw a lion hiding in a bush in the backyard. I was afraid of him and I instantly started praying and making the sign of the cross.

I then picked up the phone to call for help. I tried many times to call but no one answered the phone. The lion came out of the bush and came near the door of the living room where I was sitting. I was very afraid as he came closer to the door and I kept praying and making the sign of the cross.

I called again and again for help but no one responded to my call. My wife and my son came and tried to close the door of the room but they couldn’t. The lion pushed the door and came inside the room. I kept on praying and making the sign of the cross.

Redefining Happiness

January 31, 2014

Happiness. Everyone wants it. Many people define happiness in a certain way, claiming that they have the ‘secret to happiness’. The dictionary defines ‘being happy’ as ‘feeling or showing pleasure or contentment’.

In today’s world, it is becoming more and more difficult to define what happiness is. Personally, I've struggled with defining the concept of happiness. I don't remember anyone ever teaching me what 'happy' meant.

But as a little girl, I felt happy. I was satisfied with my life and I felt at peace. Looking back now, I wonder how I could have been happy. My family was not well-off, and we didn't have much. I wore my sister’s hand-me-downs, and I didn't own any toys. My family never went on vacations, and we didn't eat out at restaurants.

Yet, as a small child, I didn't feel as though I was missing out on anything. I made use of what I did have - a loving family and a wonderful church community. I had clothes to keep me warm, and even the hand-me-downs felt new to me!

Today God Was a Kyrgyz Woman Named Aigul

January 24, 2014

I stood at what felt like one of the largest intersections I had ever attempted to cross in my life. There were cars coming from every direction by way of a streetlight that hadn’t factored in pedestrians at all. My heart sinks every time I cross any street here in the Kyrgyz Republic because THEY DO NOT YIELD!

This time I stood there, and went into a state of shock. I was imagining myself being plowed by a trolley bus, or getting trapped between lanes. I know, you think I’m being dramatic. But you would be too if a hundred minibuses and cars were coming at you from several directions at over 60 mph.

I looked over at a woman next to me who took one step forward, and had a determined expression on her face to make it across the street. I don’t usually make eye contact because I like to avoid the mental exhaustion of introductions and chitchat – in not one, but two, foreign languages which I have not yet mastered.

It was not like me at all actually. I was so caught up, drowning in these horrible thoughts, that I mentally and physically couldn’t have given myself a second to look away from the dust clouds and racing tires.

But she looked at me. And I looked back. It was too late! Our eyes locked, she spoke in very fast Russian, grabbed me arm in arm, and led me across the street. I asked her name, and then she left. Her name was Aigul (eye-goul), and today, this was God coming to meet me.

Are You Willing to Be Rudolph?

January 17, 2014

Everyone loves Christmas music right? This morning I heard one of all-time classics on the radio, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Like you, I’ve heard this song millions of times, but for some reason today, I actually thought about the words. They kind of made me think that each of us is a little bit like Rudolph – but just with different names.

Uhhhh….excuse me…what are you saying about my nose?

Think about it. Rudolph is owned by Santa; he works for Santa, bringing gifts to Santa’s children across the world. Similarly we are children of God. We “belong” to Him and our purpose is to spread love to His children across the same world. And just like Rudolph, we aren’t always accepted by the rest of the world.

“Christians are weird…they behave differently…they speak differently…they aren’t like us.” This shouldn’t come as a surprise to us. The Bible predicted this would happen:

“In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you.” (1 Peter 4:4)

The Monkey and His Pebbles

January 10, 2014

“And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands for us; yes, establish the work of our hands.” (Psalm 90:12)

“MAN.” In that little three-letter word, there is a deluge of grace. Knowing that we’re created in the Image of God whilst entertaining that whisper of fatalism – assuring me that my spiritual transformation is pretty much impossible – tells me something isn’t right.

In Psalm 90, Moses prays for the Israelites wandering the wilderness in spiritual inertia; a feeling which, in all honesty, I’m no stranger too. Yet considering God is the same God who held the sun at a standstill over Gibeon and licked the Earth in flames on Mt Carmel, I can’t help but feel more than a touch of un-fulfilment. I find myself craving the transformation of the renewal of our minds St. Paul writes of in Romans 12:2, "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

‘Tis The Season To Be “Leaning”

December 26, 2013

Life is lived in seasons. Seasons for weather, seasons for sports and seasons to one’s spiritual life too. Advent sets during the fall, while Easter rises during the spring (at least if you're north of the Equator). And much like the fall, the Advent season reminds us of our fallen man and how God’s Economy was thought out for our salvation.

During this season, we see our fallen leaves and fallen trees needing a Savior, and we are saved from eternal death. One would expect life to be all Spring after salvation, yet for all of us, the seasons still change in our spiritual lives, just as it does in the world outside. Like a tree fighting to stay upright, we still have to get through fall and winter with their storms and blizzards before spring comes again. Many of us can’t stand upright for that long because the storms of life get the best of us.

“A tree always falls where it leans; be careful which way you lean”said The Lorax to the Once-ler as he was about to let his desire for fame and money ruin the green earth and ultimately ruin himself. That’s some good advice for grownups, wrapped in a children’s movie.